An Open Forum Letter to Allie Brosh of Hyperbole and a Half Fame

The idea for this post started drunkenly. This is the best way to form all thoughts and subsequent decisions.

Originally, I wanted to send an email to Allie, telling her how much I love her blog and how funny I think she is and how she gives me spontaneous work-giggles and all those other kinds of gushy-pants type things.
And then drunk brain said to me "Hey, why dont you do something that you dont think anyone has done before? Put your letter up publicly for people to see!" And I said, "Why drunk brain, I think you may be on to something!"

And thus, my open forum letter to Allie Brosh of Hyperbole and a Half was born:

Dear Allie,

Firstly, I'd like to get the gushy stuff out of the way.

I love your blog. I think you are hilariously witty, clever and intelligent. I am a huge fan of your Raptor Face. I tried to do it once. It was not a good sight. I hope that, one day soon, you do win the internets. Perhaps we could be international friends? We could talk about local colloquialisms and laugh about what's different and you can tell me what it's like when it snows and I can tell you what it's like to live in a house co-inhabited by offensive koalas*.

Okay, now that's out of the way, we can sidle awkwardly past it and move on to more pressing matters.
Congratulations on the columnist job! I don't know how long ago you got the gig, because it was only very recently that I got completely up-to-date with your blog. But good on you, anyway!

Spaghatta Nadle is probably my favourite of all the things you've done. The Parhple Drahnk was especially relatable, because my favourite alcoholic drink happens to be parhple..uh, purple. Are you planning on doing anything else Spaghatta Nadle in the future?

I know that you jog a lot, and carry around a notebook with you to jot down ideas when they come to you, but how on earth do you remember things so vividly from your childhood? Most things from my childhood that I remember vividly, my mother passes off as 'imagination lies' and insists that they never happened! Even though I'm certain that the neighbour really -did- smack me and my whole family laughed and pointed at me...
Your stories are far more awesome! I wish my mum had made me a sound-proof room. Not that I had anyone I needed to hide from..but it still would have been awesome!

Anyway! Thank you for writing hilarious re-tellings of your life that make me giggle inappropriately in my quiet office and I look forward to reading many more!

Me love you long time,
with lots and lots of like,
From,

Sarah.

P.S. if you could envision a DuckPond Lobby, what would it look like?

Happy Hey! You're still Alive Day!

So here's something to ponder...

I was thinking about Birthdays and what they actually mean. I mean the word Birth Day actually means that you celebrate the day of your birth right!? And really, the day of your birth shouldn't mean you get presents and cards and shit faced! No! It means your mum should get to do all that. She's the one that pushed you out of her snatch/stomach after all!

So this is what I propose. We get rid of Mother's Day all together! Its a marketing ploy to really make us forget what we're most thankful for our mums for. Replace it with the Birth Day, a day where we can see our mums, sit down next to them on the couch with a nice cuppa and watch the exact moment your head squeezed its way past her vag! Nawwwwww....so meaningful.....

"Um Lu...I still need to get presents, cards and shit faced on an annual basis!" I hear you say!

Well, if you shut up and keep reading the blog you'd see Im about to tell you what we can replace it with...geeeeez...

We replace your boring old Birthday with......... "Hey! You're still alive Day!"  

Yeap! Cause really, thats what we're celebrating....another year where you've managed to run with scissors and not fall onto them. Another year you've cheekily crossed the road without looking both ways. And another year your liver has managed to process the retarded amounts of alcohol you drown it in. HIGH FIVE LIVER!! YEAH!!! 

Friends and Family can come together on your special day and say "Whoa, another year huh? Wow! The doctors said you'd only live to be 2 and retarded but way to prove them wrong sport!"

The details will go like this, once its been made official you will have to fill out a form with your name, your address, the presents you've always wanted but never got and your new Hey! You're Still Alive date. This can be any date in the calendar year or Chinese new year....whatever your preferences. After choosing, that's your official day of celebration and you can carry on with surviving until that day. 

If you do decide that you don't really want anymore Hey! You're Still Alive days then you can end it by sending in a form with your name, your address, what you want it to say on your tombstone and your new Hey! You're Not Alive Anymore date. This will officially become the date your dead and you can carry on with being dead etc etc....

In conclusion Mr. Speaker.....get rid of Mothers Day, replace it with Birth Day. Then, make "Hey! You're Still Alive day a real thing. =D Thank You and Goodnight.

                                                    

Just some examples for Hallmark to look at.                                                                            

Its like Cheers but with less alcohol and more sad pathetic fat men.

What? You want to meet the people who inhabit the Semaphore TAB? Really? Wow...whats wrong with you? Seriously, you must have serious mental deficiencies!

But thats ok! We all do =D so smile you retard! Read this blog and it might make your head feel slightly better.....or worse.....I dont really care anymore =D

This first guy is a local crazy hobo that likes to come into the TAB and sit in front of the TV's and talk to himself. He'll talk to me and customers too...the latest is that he thinks the reason Elvis is still alive today is because the sky is blue. Clearly this fact can not be overlooked as a possible reason why the King should still be alive. I know Im all shook up about that little fact!

 Next we have a lady, in her mid 40's Id say, normal enough....until you start serving her. It starts with a thanks for coming to the counter, then another thanks for telling her how much money she owes you, then another thank you for taking her money from the counter. *takes a deep breath* THEN another thank you when you give her the change. Now wait for it...just to mix things up a little she then leaves...but you guessed it, not without another thank you!! This time tho, its an overly loud thank you "THANK YOU!!!!!" Argh!! Why do you have to go up several decibels to thank me again?? Surely the 50 or so thank you's you just gave me are sufficient?

L

Let's not forget the copious amounts of old, fat, bald men (or OFB's) that come into the TAB. They dont have faces just that they are old, fat and bald....sort of like a cult only they never seem to drink the coolaid at the end of it. Instead they come into the TAB and hang around like maggots on a wedding cake! Whoa! Look...theres one now.....hiding next to the coke machine....sneaky little bugger!! GET OUTTA HERE!! 

HAD ENOUGH YET? Yes? Well too bad!! .......continuing on........

This woman is all kinds of crazy + three degrees of strange! She comes in, writes on the back of tickets apologising to Jim Carrey for not being a fast typer and then goes up to a poster of a horse and starts patting it and horse whispering something to the horse. Im not sure what she said but Im pretty sure she promised to break him free from Candy Mountain in due course. Recently she brought in a green watering can and left it on the counter. Lucky for her I didnt think it was a weapon of mass destruction and try to dive on it saving all the other punters from what surely was a home style bomb made from a clever google search. Turns out it was just a watering can...BUT IT MIGHT NOT HAVE BEEN!!!!!! 

TO BE CONTINUED...

Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World - A Stupid Review

I have just gotten home from seeing the aforementioned Scott Pilgrim Vs. The world.

It may very well be my new favourite movie.

When you sit down, with your ginormous coke and supposedly people sized popcorn, and the lights dim and the Universal Studio logo shows up, accompanied by it's trademark sound beautifully rendered into the classic 16-bit audio...well, you know you're in for something pretty special.

This is a movie that caters specifically to the humor of gamers and geeks alike, while being clever enough that it does not excluse viewers outside of this niche.

It combines humor borderlining on the ridiculous, comparing to movies like Forgetting Sarah Marshall and Anchorman, while still maintaining an indie feel.

The soundtrack is unforgettable, featuring indie/alternative music from the in-movie band, the Love Bob-Ombs and their rivals in various stages of Battle of the Bands and should definitely be made available for purchase for the pleasure of my ears.

The fact that it is also based on the series of graphic novels (which are awesome) by Bryan Lee O'Malley is all the more reason to watch it (and then read the graphic novels. Or vice versa. Whatever works for you).

On the Sarah-Scale-of-Epic, I give it four and a half hearts out of five.

Evil Hot Cheese

It started out as your normal 12:45 lunch. All I had was bread, vegemite and cheese...obviously now I know that they are the tools of Satan! Here is my story. 

So I toast my bread, take it out of the toaster, put some vegemite and cheese on a slice of bread and whack it in the toaster oven for a few mins...a few mins turned into a few more mins...I poked at the cheese a couple of times...see I thought I was just taking out the bubbles.....clearly I was only stirring the beast within the cheese. I take it out of the toaster oven and eat. 

 BUT WHATS THIS?? Evil Hot Cheese doesnt want to be consumed into my mouth, follow the enchantment lane of my swallow area and into the sweet pools of stomach acid?? Out of no where....Evil Hot Cheese decides to envoke his Super Mega Powers he clearly got from the Kraft Factory. 

With his Super Mega Powers initiated I was helpless. The cheese took one look at my tongue and chose it as its sacrifice to the Hot Cheese Gods. It lays its creamy rich, yet only 2% fat content body on my tongue like a blanket of fire.

My brain says "Wooo wait, we're getting a message from the tongue!" 
A hush falls over the rest of my brain...silence....and then....
"FFFUUUUCCCCKKK...WTF!?......I'M ON FIRE!"


For some reason my brain told my tongue that it would be ok and then like a jerk sent massive amounts of burn pain to my tongue...**THANKS BRAIN!
This is a almost 100% accurate picture of what my tongue looked like.

Clearly there is no known cure for a burnt tongue by the Evil Hot Cheese but all I could do was the most obvious and clear remedy..... 

Unfortunately my tongue didn't make it through the night. I feel like it had more to do with the fact that Liv Tyler was in the room and wouldn't leave. Fucking Liv Tyler!

Necklace of the FUTURE!

Its so simple....its been starring us all in the face this whole time! Can you guess what it is? "SHUT UP LOUISE" I hear you say....Nooooo but close! Think again.........Yeap...of course it is! 

Its the shoelace.....necklace!

A hobo at the TAB was wearing one around his neck today. I starred at it thinking it might have keys attached or something he might not want to lose. But no....its just a shoelace necklace. 

Whats even more innovative about this accessory is that you can tie two shoe laces together and make an even longer necklace! =O

Gone are the days of using it for tying up your shoes! Pfftttt! DONT BE LAME! Get some of those awesome velcro shoes, rip out your old shoelaces and give them a new lease on life as the necklace of the future! 


Of course it doesnt just have to be a necklace, no no, this can be so much more! 

The obvious being that if you get the whim to hang yourself cause your having a bad day at work, an awkward moment with a stranger or just another one of those phone calls from your parents to remind you of your constant disappointment to them then grab your trusty shoelace necklace, hoist it over any sturdy beam and TA DA! The sweet relief of death.

Another option...your in the bush, walking around with friends and family. =O all of a sudden Nanna gets biten by a venemous snake!! NANNA NOOOOO! QUICK! GRAB YOUR HANDY SHOELACE NECKLACE! Tie it around her leg and suck nannas leg harder then you have previously .......crisis averted and nanna lives to bake another pavlova!


Other uses for the Shoelace Necklace: walking the dog, tying your arm to find that mischievous vein to shoot up, strangling pesky neighbours, assisting in the arrest of a known drug lord, decorating the christmas tree and finding osama bin laden and his weapons of mass destruction. 

ITS THE NEXT BIG OBSESSION - SHOELACE NECKLACE. 

ACCEPT IT OR DIE!!

Adventures of Bill

BILL - He gets up to all kinds of crazy!

So the other day I was at work and I thought, how can time be made to go faster with only using the things that I have surrounding me? Clearly the major thing I work with all day is old, smelly men who like to gamble. At first I thought about building a tower of old men, surely no one has done that yet....OR BETTER YET.....a tower of old men who are naked! That just reminded me of the southpark episode so I decided to go to the next possible idea and that was the stacks on money I have around me. A stack of $100 bills looked at me and started to nod at me "Do it Louise!.....Make hilarious photos of me doing stupid things!!" .......I agreed. Enjoy. 

Listening to Sexy Bitch on the iPod

Taking a phone call

HA! Thinks its remotes!

Looking through a peep hole

Trying to pick up a bundle of $5 notes

Getting rejected..

Taking peoples bets

Getting its freak on....missionary style!

Learning how to braise pork

Trying to look smart

ORGY TIME!!

Recycling!

Getting Swept Away

Looking down on the outcasted change