An Open Forum Letter to Allie Brosh of Hyperbole and a Half Fame

The idea for this post started drunkenly. This is the best way to form all thoughts and subsequent decisions.

Originally, I wanted to send an email to Allie, telling her how much I love her blog and how funny I think she is and how she gives me spontaneous work-giggles and all those other kinds of gushy-pants type things.
And then drunk brain said to me "Hey, why dont you do something that you dont think anyone has done before? Put your letter up publicly for people to see!" And I said, "Why drunk brain, I think you may be on to something!"

And thus, my open forum letter to Allie Brosh of Hyperbole and a Half was born:

Dear Allie,

Firstly, I'd like to get the gushy stuff out of the way.

I love your blog. I think you are hilariously witty, clever and intelligent. I am a huge fan of your Raptor Face. I tried to do it once. It was not a good sight. I hope that, one day soon, you do win the internets. Perhaps we could be international friends? We could talk about local colloquialisms and laugh about what's different and you can tell me what it's like when it snows and I can tell you what it's like to live in a house co-inhabited by offensive koalas*.

Okay, now that's out of the way, we can sidle awkwardly past it and move on to more pressing matters.
Congratulations on the columnist job! I don't know how long ago you got the gig, because it was only very recently that I got completely up-to-date with your blog. But good on you, anyway!

Spaghatta Nadle is probably my favourite of all the things you've done. The Parhple Drahnk was especially relatable, because my favourite alcoholic drink happens to be parhple..uh, purple. Are you planning on doing anything else Spaghatta Nadle in the future?

I know that you jog a lot, and carry around a notebook with you to jot down ideas when they come to you, but how on earth do you remember things so vividly from your childhood? Most things from my childhood that I remember vividly, my mother passes off as 'imagination lies' and insists that they never happened! Even though I'm certain that the neighbour really -did- smack me and my whole family laughed and pointed at me...
Your stories are far more awesome! I wish my mum had made me a sound-proof room. Not that I had anyone I needed to hide from..but it still would have been awesome!

Anyway! Thank you for writing hilarious re-tellings of your life that make me giggle inappropriately in my quiet office and I look forward to reading many more!

Me love you long time,
with lots and lots of like,
From,

Sarah.

P.S. if you could envision a DuckPond Lobby, what would it look like?

Happy Hey! You're still Alive Day!

So here's something to ponder...

I was thinking about Birthdays and what they actually mean. I mean the word Birth Day actually means that you celebrate the day of your birth right!? And really, the day of your birth shouldn't mean you get presents and cards and shit faced! No! It means your mum should get to do all that. She's the one that pushed you out of her snatch/stomach after all!

So this is what I propose. We get rid of Mother's Day all together! Its a marketing ploy to really make us forget what we're most thankful for our mums for. Replace it with the Birth Day, a day where we can see our mums, sit down next to them on the couch with a nice cuppa and watch the exact moment your head squeezed its way past her vag! Nawwwwww....so meaningful.....

"Um Lu...I still need to get presents, cards and shit faced on an annual basis!" I hear you say!

Well, if you shut up and keep reading the blog you'd see Im about to tell you what we can replace it with...geeeeez...

We replace your boring old Birthday with......... "Hey! You're still alive Day!"  

Yeap! Cause really, thats what we're celebrating....another year where you've managed to run with scissors and not fall onto them. Another year you've cheekily crossed the road without looking both ways. And another year your liver has managed to process the retarded amounts of alcohol you drown it in. HIGH FIVE LIVER!! YEAH!!! 

Friends and Family can come together on your special day and say "Whoa, another year huh? Wow! The doctors said you'd only live to be 2 and retarded but way to prove them wrong sport!"

The details will go like this, once its been made official you will have to fill out a form with your name, your address, the presents you've always wanted but never got and your new Hey! You're Still Alive date. This can be any date in the calendar year or Chinese new year....whatever your preferences. After choosing, that's your official day of celebration and you can carry on with surviving until that day. 

If you do decide that you don't really want anymore Hey! You're Still Alive days then you can end it by sending in a form with your name, your address, what you want it to say on your tombstone and your new Hey! You're Not Alive Anymore date. This will officially become the date your dead and you can carry on with being dead etc etc....

In conclusion Mr. Speaker.....get rid of Mothers Day, replace it with Birth Day. Then, make "Hey! You're Still Alive day a real thing. =D Thank You and Goodnight.

                                                    

Just some examples for Hallmark to look at.                                                                            

Its like Cheers but with less alcohol and more sad pathetic fat men.

What? You want to meet the people who inhabit the Semaphore TAB? Really? Wow...whats wrong with you? Seriously, you must have serious mental deficiencies!

But thats ok! We all do =D so smile you retard! Read this blog and it might make your head feel slightly better.....or worse.....I dont really care anymore =D

This first guy is a local crazy hobo that likes to come into the TAB and sit in front of the TV's and talk to himself. He'll talk to me and customers too...the latest is that he thinks the reason Elvis is still alive today is because the sky is blue. Clearly this fact can not be overlooked as a possible reason why the King should still be alive. I know Im all shook up about that little fact!

 Next we have a lady, in her mid 40's Id say, normal enough....until you start serving her. It starts with a thanks for coming to the counter, then another thanks for telling her how much money she owes you, then another thank you for taking her money from the counter. *takes a deep breath* THEN another thank you when you give her the change. Now wait for it...just to mix things up a little she then leaves...but you guessed it, not without another thank you!! This time tho, its an overly loud thank you "THANK YOU!!!!!" Argh!! Why do you have to go up several decibels to thank me again?? Surely the 50 or so thank you's you just gave me are sufficient?

L

Let's not forget the copious amounts of old, fat, bald men (or OFB's) that come into the TAB. They dont have faces just that they are old, fat and bald....sort of like a cult only they never seem to drink the coolaid at the end of it. Instead they come into the TAB and hang around like maggots on a wedding cake! Whoa! Look...theres one now.....hiding next to the coke machine....sneaky little bugger!! GET OUTTA HERE!! 

HAD ENOUGH YET? Yes? Well too bad!! .......continuing on........

This woman is all kinds of crazy + three degrees of strange! She comes in, writes on the back of tickets apologising to Jim Carrey for not being a fast typer and then goes up to a poster of a horse and starts patting it and horse whispering something to the horse. Im not sure what she said but Im pretty sure she promised to break him free from Candy Mountain in due course. Recently she brought in a green watering can and left it on the counter. Lucky for her I didnt think it was a weapon of mass destruction and try to dive on it saving all the other punters from what surely was a home style bomb made from a clever google search. Turns out it was just a watering can...BUT IT MIGHT NOT HAVE BEEN!!!!!! 

TO BE CONTINUED...